Fuck Ego Fuelled Chavs

I really hate ego fuelled chavs with a passion if you reside within the United Kingdom you will know why, and if you reside in America or from another country you may as well not even bother reading this unless you wish to learn a little about one of the many negative things about living in the United Kingdom.

So let me tell you a little about chav culture, they often hang around in groups of 4+ like a pack of wolves, they speak some kind of bastard dialect developed by chavs with under developed brains, some words often used by chavs include…

innit (Isn’t it)
mush (Possibly an alternative for Mate?)
mug (Some kind of alternative for the word Idiot)
sweet (I believe this means Awesome)
fags (An alternative for the word Cigarettes)

Chavs are exceptionally easy to spot as they wear only some of the most expensive brands which they buy with the proceeds of crime such as Stone Island, Henry Lloyd, Fred Perry, Lacoste, and Nike. Chavs are not to be confused with the lesser-spotted-chav which is basically a trainee-chav who will evolve into a chav once he has mentally matured a couple of months from the age of 12-16 and has had an Anti-Social Behaviour Order (ASBO) for the period of 12 months.

The lesser-spotted-chav is even easier to spot than the normal chav as the lesser-spotted-chav wears a sports tracksuit with a rounded cap and in most cases a hoodie replaces the tracksuit jacket. Because of the chavs instinct you can guarantee you will find one in a council estates; run-down areas in good need of a decent fire bombing. The chav will return to these at night to sleep, but spends most of its time in the local shopping precinct abusing targeted individuals for absolutely no reason.

Fortunately for me I live in the county of Hampshire which is home to a surprisingly large amount of chavs, possibly due to the fact that Basingrad, the birthplace of Burberry clothing and chav culture is in Hampshire. Without a doubt Hampshire is the current world record holder for the most jobless cunts in one county.

Chavs drinking habits are quite fascinating, unlike their closest evolutionary ancestor, the Ape, fresh water is not required for the survival of a chav; indeed the feel of fresh water coming into contact with their skin will often aggravate them to no end. The lesser-spotted-chav will make do on Coca-Cola and other fizzy soft drinks, although they have been known on occasion to unsuccessfully attempt to purchase alcohol from an off-licence vendor.

The adult or 3 month mentally matured chav will usually be content with drinking a cheap, mass-produced lager. The female chav, in an effort to look sophisticated to a potential mate will usually drink Bacardi Breezers or a similar brand of alcopop, sadly this merely makes the female chav look more despicable to any other subspecies of the human race.

The mating rituals of the male chav have become a subject of fascination to scientists and spectators alike. Firstly, the chav will attempt to ‘pimp himself up’, by adorning himself with his most expensive Burberry hat, Stone Island shirt, and Ted Baker jeans. He will then decorate himself with either fake gold jewellery or hiz prized Elizabeth Duke chain known as ‘bling bling’. Female chavs share genetic traits with magpies (and varying farm yard animals) and are attracted to shiny objects. He will then smother his hair with hair gel, the reasoning being for this act is unknown. It does not have any aesthetic advantage, indeed quite the reverse. On observing the excessive amount of grease in the male chavs hair, will assume that he must be ‘loaded’ to use so much of a precious commodity and thus become more attracted to him owing to his falsely-perceived social status.

He will then proceed to a gathering spot such as the pub or bar and attempt to attract females by drinking, dancing, and trying to start fights which he will invariably lose. Females mating rituals differ though, when the reproductive urge is upon her (between the ages of 8-12) and she is in heat, the female chav will naturally look for a mate. Not a long term mate, but effectively a sperm donor. She will therefore ’slag’ herself, this means putting on more make-up than a clown uses through his life, squeezing into a strapless top 2 sizes small for her and putting on a miniskirt that will best exhibit her pelvic regions without breaking any national laws.

She will then shower hserlf in cheap perfume, brush her hair tight to the back of her head and once fully attired will sort to a gathering spot. Upon finding a suitable mate she will ‘come on to him’, allow him to cop a feel and get a few free drinks off him before suggesting the alley behind the pub as a suitable place to consummate.

The female chav will repeat this ritual several times during the same night to ensure the maximum possibility of impregnation. It should be noted that female chavs do not consider having babies as a method of the continuation of their race, but view it as a competition between other females. The chavette who manages to successfully claim the most money off the Labour’s benefit system, will be entitled to higher social status than the ones who only managed to claim benefits for a paltry amount of five children.

Very few chavs have bothered to evolve into a stage where they are capable of undertaking paid work; the reasoning being that they are remarkably financially acute and have long since realised that the government will pay them to lie around at home. Subsequently, the chavs have an unbridled amount of free time on their hands. This will usually be spent by congregating at Home Depot in groups, or ‘crews’ as they are colloquially referred to, in an attempt to emulate African-American culture, despite the fact that they are white. As an effect of this, chavs will labour under the misapprehension that they are ‘gangsta’, as well as the bizarre notion that they are the ‘children of the ghetto’.

The natural enemy of the chav is the police officer or the ‘oh bill’ as the chavs colloquially use in reference to the British police force. Chavs are in effect a group of insane, nihilistic anarchists, and their society has not yet evolved sufficiently to understand the need for Law and Order. Hence, they find it physically impossible to accept that they have done anything wrong when they are dragged off to jail on a Saturday night for smashing a bottle in someone’s face. Scientists believe this might have been what civilisation was like on Earth 300,000 years ago, before intelligent life developed.

Another enemy of the chav is the foreigner; chavs are intensely jingoistic and when they go on holiday will only stay in British holiday resorts to prevent contact with any foreigners. Indeed, the chav can go to Spain and never be exposed to a single word of Spanish for the duration of their trip.

Chavs are, in fact, parasites, leeching off society to feed their lecherous habits and providing nothing but detriment in return. Therefore, a modest proposal for a practical solution is the immediate sterilisation of all chavs. We will keep a small colony for breeding; after all, we do need some in order to keep supermarkets going, although truth be told foreign imports are better, but the vast majority will be made infertile and allowed to die off. Those who remain will be sub-categorised into ‘slaves’, and will perform all menial tasks in return for a dingy council flat and basic feeding, two meals a day, at least one containing meat, or at least something described as such on the packet. In doing this we can not only purify humanity but also remove the need for unemployment benefit.

With no unemployment, crime rates will fall, cities will become Utopia’s, Atlas will shrug and humanity will evolve beyond its wildest dreams. There is also the theory that due to the lesser quality of their fake barberry, come the winter season the chavs will lack the necessary insulation and die. This theory however has not been tested, and the current guidelines for chav control involve the use of a high powered rifle.

So the point I am trying to make is that all chavs should be expunged effectively and immediately, comment this post with your thoughts about this matter.